The Pause

I've dubbed 2023 the year of The Pause. And while I came to embrace The Pause of last year, it's not what I had envisioned. Not by a long shot.

In January, I excitedly typed an email to the MWM community while my 3-month old baby did tummy time on the rug next to me: my new website (my big investment of 2022) was live, and MWM events were coming back at the end of the month!

I had a full calendar planned with gatherings, yoga, workshops, and meetups. I launched with a vision for expansion, both for the MotherWell Movement (MWM) and for me personally.

What I didn't know is that all of my plans would be derailed. Life had other plans.

Expansion would come, but not when or how I expected, and not without a cost. In order to expand, I would first walk through a deep, dark winter.

A few short months after I announced the "relaunch" of MWM, I had another announcement. Only this time, I announced that I was pausing events and taking a step back from MWM.

The painful decision to pause events and step back from MWM was a reluctant acknowledgment of reality: I was really struggling, and I couldn't go on. I had been operating in a near constant state of overwhelm and anxiety. I was deep in the throes of the most intense and sustained sleep deprivation I've ever experienced (I fully understand why that is a form of torture). I felt like I was behind the 8-ball on all fronts: work, caretaking, my home, and my relationship...and my own well-being wasn't even on the list. I was constantly looking for ways to be more efficient with my time (as if a lack of efficiency was the problem). My physical and mental health were really suffering.

So when I came to the decision to take a step back, I felt immense relief.

But that relief also came with some companions: fear and grief. I had to mourn the loss of the future that I had imagined for MWM. I had to grapple with potentially losing the foundation and momentum that I had built over the past few years.

I also came face-to-face with a personal fear: If my output was not able to be measured or seen, then I will cease to be seen. I will cease to matter. I will disappear.

I felt a tension between how I've been socialized to measure my worth and security: through productivity, growth and success (the energy of summer) and my trust in the natural pattern and wisdom of life, recognizing that it encompasses all seasons, each with its unique purpose and significance. Amidst this tension, an inner call to cocoon and harmonize with my life's winter season emerged.

Choosing to embrace The Pause became my practice, and it allowed me to open myself to the gifts of winter—clarity, rest, and the promise of rebirth.

I drew strength from the beautiful words of poet, John O'Donohue:

As far as you can, hold your confidence.

Do not allow your confusion to squander

This calling which is loosening

Your roots in false ground,

That you might come free

From all you have outgrown.

It is difficult and slow to become new.

-John O’Donohue, For the Interim Time (Excerpt)

During The Pause, I consciously embraced self-nourishment. Regular therapy sessions, pelvic floor therapy, long walks, intentional connection with my community, and leaning into my Seasons of Matrescence course as support for my own journey through matrescence became my acts of self-care.

The journey brought clarity, illuminating what truly matters to me and exposing the pitfalls of the masculine way I had been operating in: sacrificing my well-being for external rewards, anchoring to the ideals of productivity, fear of vulnerability, and striving for self-sufficiency. The Pause guided me towards a more aligned, feminine approach: embracing cyclical energy, prioritizing presence over achievement, leaning in to my own intuition and self-trust.

And so, as I emerge from The Pause, I'm carrying it's wisdom with me.

I don't consider my return to work a re-launch; it's a rebirth, a delicate balance of masculine and feminine energies. I'm releasing the old definition of success tied to numbers and achievements, embracing a more profound understanding that aligns with my values. Success for me is rooted in being present, operating from love, stewarding my gifts wisely, stepping into my calling with courage, and living fully in harmony with the cycles of life.

And as hard as it was for me to step away last year, I trust that this period of rest, introspection, and rebirth will shape a more authentic, aligned, and impactful version of myself and my work.