The Many Faces of Self-Care in Motherhood
As we continue this conversation around this beautiful notion of “restoring vitality,” one word comes soaring to the front of my mind, and that is SELF-CARE. As a mom of young kids, I sometimes can fall into the mindset that self-care is only something reserved for those who have time in their life…those people who don’t have kids...
Kids demand a lot - food and attention being high on the list. They demand that we constantly re-adjust our expectations, adapt, flex and be available for the unexpected.
When I intentionally woke up at 5:30am to have an hour of “me time” in the morning... that’s the morning my son decided to do the same. When I planned a special date night with my husband, five minutes before we headed out the door, my daughter slipped in the tub and needed to be taken to the ER for stitches.
This kind of “mindset adjustment” happens a dozen times a day. I wake up feeling motivated, get my kids dressed and ready for the day by 7am... and by 8am, we’re on our 3rd outfit change and I’ve already swept the floor twice. I’m discovering that success is not really an end result or this notion of controlling my kid to my desired outcome. Success now looks like cleaning up spilled milk and oatmeal-smeared shirts without cursing, or being able to adapt and reset my expectations for any given moment and carry on with a positive attitude - holding my tasks and productivity loosely.
Kids are unpredictable and inconsistent and for a long season that made me not even want to attempt self-care. I was tired of my plans never working out. I was tired of constantly adjusting. I was tired of feeling disappointed.
One of the most challenging seasons of motherhood for me came shortly after my second child was born. I found myself with two babes under 2, and each day felt way too long. There are MANY different seasons with kids and they’re all hard for different reasons, but having young kids seems to be the most physically exhausting. For me, I didn’t have capacity for much beyond survival mode those first 6 months.
A successful day was measured by feeding myself anything other than tea and goldfish crackers and getting my children to nap at the SAME time so I could sneak a 20 min breather (which was usually spent cleaning, taking out diapers, or simply getting out of my pajamas for the day).
I felt depleted. My kids needed me, my husband wanted me and my time, my energy and my body felt like they were being hijacked. I started to feel resentful. My world felt very small for that season and I felt claustrophobic, in a sense. Like I wanted to run away some days...
I would day dream about eating a full meal while it was still hot, leaving my house with ease, driving without a crying infant in the back seat or even peeing alone - but I couldn’t do any of these.
What kept me going during this time was truly other moms. Whether that was my mom coming to spend a day with me, or my sister in law shuttling her family over and cooking us an amazing dinner, or a friend who would just pop over for an hour. That’s what kept me going. Being reminded that I wasn’t alone and I wasn’t the only mom struggling. My kids have truly motivated me to communicate my needs more than ever before.
Because I quickly realized, if I don’t communicate my needs and ask for help (from my family, my spouse, my friends) those needs will sit unmet and I’ll be left feeling lonely, isolated and resentful.
It was up to me to ask for help and that was hard and humbling. But each time I reached out for help, and was met, it slowly reaffirmed my ability to do it again and again. Asking for help has never really gotten easier for me. It’s vulnerable and scary. Narratives play out in my head of all the reasons why I shouldn’t ask for help…”that person is too busy to help out, you’ll inconvenience them, they might say yes but it’s out of obligation, they’ll think you’re weak or lazy, maybe even selfish…” Asking for help is a brave thing to do because you have to first fight back the negative narratives standing in your way to do so. And then when you ask for help, you have to be ready to receive it too. This is something I’m still working on.
But now that my kids are closing in on 2 and 4, I have a little more consistent sleep in my life and I feel like I have more energy to bring some intentionality into my self-care practices.
I also now have more headspace to recognize that self-care is not limited merely to my physical needs.Self-care can, and should, address our WHOLE self. Here is a shortlist of some different types of self-care and some examples for each:
Physical (yoga, healthy eating, going for a walk)
Emotional (journaling, setting boundaries, being creative)
Spiritual (praying, meditation, spending time in nature)
Intellectual (reading a book, puzzling, taking a class, watching a documentary)
Social (getting coffee with a friend, calling a friend, planning a dinner party)
Sensory (burning a favorite candle, taking a bath, listening to soothing music)
As a mom, I don’t have a predictable hour carved out of each day for self-care, but I do get pockets of time throughout my day and I’m trying to manage these better. When I have 20 minutes on the train to work, I read my book. Some days I might set my alarm early and do a workout before the kids are up. I call my girlfriends while I’m driving, and I listen to “mom’s music” while I cook dinner. These are all small things that I claim for myself and weave into my day. And sometimes these are just enough to sustain me. While other days, I need more space and time for myself. In these moments, I’ve talked to my husband and planned out time on a weekend to get a few hours to myself – maybe I’ll go visit a friend, go for a drive (alone), go for a run (alone) , make a candle (my current hobby) or organize my house (I really love purging things and finding a place for everything). For those couple hours, I get to make my own decisions and just take care of myself - just me.
So whatever your current season of motherhood, my encouragement to you is this – don’t give up on self-care. Take some time to really identify your needs and what things you can do to meet those needs. Spend some time thinking about what YOU like doing. Prioritize yourself and make self-care a daily practice – even if it’s only 5, 10 or 15 minutes at a time.
You are worth it, and ultimately your whole family will be better for it.
Linnea Crum is a passionate party host, wine enthusiast, and sunshine-chaser. Although her days are most often spent in the Pacific Northwest with her husband and two toddlers, you will also find her adding warmth to her life by making homemade candles or frequently planning trips to California. On the daily, she gets paid to create content and marketing program strategies for tech companies, and you might even occasionally find her planning weddings on the weekend. She’s all about bringing people together and is actively working to create intentional support for women in the throes of motherhood.